So I am a little closer to coming to terms with my experiences at Castle Bolton. However, I am not much happier about what transpired. Deep down I am still elated about having finally set foot in the home of the woman whose life I have studied and tried to represent for the last ten years. If I close my eyes right now and imagine myself back there my eyes begin to well up with tears. I know so much about Lady Margaret Howard's life. It was such a personal thing for me to play her at Renn Faire. Still, to be standing in the same places she stood is hard to describe.

In a way I feel a sense of justification. All the years I played her and was teased or not taken seriously still sting me but I feel even more proud now to have represented her as I did. I want very much to go back to faire participation as Lady Scrope and as Adina Rubin so that I can arrive as my new self and reclaim my position as the premier player at court. I know that 99% of the other players have not studied their history as well as I have and just as many have never been out of the States. It would be a Zen/Jedi/Elven event for me to arrive in a new state of beauty, calm, peace, and understanding. I don't need to stick my nose in the air, snub people, gloat about my experiences, or brag. I just look forward to being able to share with my Renn Faire friends how full my life has been.

It is still challenging for me to be living abroad. I spent so much money on my first trip to Castle Bolton that it is unlikely that I'll be able to go back this weekend for the Armada Festival. I am disappointed that it costs so much and that it is so hard just to get there. Because I would be traveling late Saturday or early Sunday, there is no bus service inland. I could rent (hire) a car but that would cost me 40 pounds plus gas (petrol) per day. No way do I have that kind of money right now. I am trying to remain calm and accept that my interest in Castle Bolton is not short term. I will get paid again at the end of the month and I can arrange to go down after that.

Also, Tom has already stated that my interests can best be shown on the castle's website. I do not need to leave Edinburgh to work on the website. At least I don't think I do. Tom and I still have to formalize this arrangement. In the meantime I am even frustrated about not being paid for my efforts and am considering not working on the website until I can be paid or better compensated than just by gaining pleasure from the work itself. For me it is not only the history that excites me but the interest others take in it once they learn about it. Since many of the visitors to the castle don't even look at the website it seems somewhat unlikely any of them will gain an appreciation of the castle's history and significance unless I am at the castle sharing it with them face-to-face. I hope that I am able to express this well enough to Tom that he takes me on as paid staff. And if that happens then hopefully I will be able to relocate without much difficulty. Probably a fat-chance-in-hell of that happening, but I can wish can't I.

While all of this is going on, in another part of my life I am desperately missing my cats. I have had dreams of going to Bakersfield, sneaking into the apartment where they live, finding Jasmine sleeping and waking her up sweetly by whispering her name in her ear. I dream that she squintingly stretches herself awake, slowly opens her eyes to look at me and once she recognizes me she leans in to sniff my nose and rub her head against my chin.

I used to talk to her and Cara-Mel by phone on a regular basis. When I left for England I broke off contact with my ex who is taking care of them and have not been in contact since. It was hard to leave them in Bakersfield when I moved to Portland to go back to school, and it was even harder to cut off all contact. They are the only beings in this world who love me like a mom. I consider Jasmine to be my 'daughter' as I raised her from only 2 days old. She is safe with my ex, who she knows as her daddy, but she is my true responsibility. I only hope that when I see my cats again they recognize me.

On a happier note, I realize that I forgot to mention that I finally went to the Edinburgh Military Tatoo! When I first came to Edinburgh everyone asked if my reason for coming was for the tatoo. Well as you know know I came for much more then that but, I could not leave the country without having seen the spectacle for myself. When I got oriented to the city back in late May I found the ticket office and found out that most tickets were already sold out. I was advised to check back daily for possible returned tickets. I got so busy looking for work that I did not make it back for almost a month-and-a-half. As luck would have it they had a seat available for Saturday, August 9. Located in the middle of the bleachers in Section C, North Stand, 2nd row from the top, Seat 12 in the middle, I would have the best view. Not only that but the seat was for the best performance. On Saturday nights, the final show only, they set off a full 15 minutes of extra fireworks. The whole event cost me only £28.50 which came out of my UK bank account so I didn't have to pay double with US dollars! It was amazing to just realize that I was actually there. It wasn't as exciting actually being there as the sky opened up and drowned us all like rats. By the time I got home I was soaked through to my skin. When I woke up the next morning my skin still felt sticky. But it was a great night of precision pipes, drums, and dancing. I will be picking up a DVD of the event for everyone back home to watch.

On a side note, I hadn't decided if I would boycott the Olympics this year because of all the violence but I find myself catching it when I get home from work. It is still as engaging as previous years. I can't seem to look away.

I am also trying to keep up on the presidential campaign. I am very curious to see who Obama picks as his running mate. I hope it is Hillary Clinton but I doubt that either will be elected if they run on the same ticket. I feel like Americans are chickens. They seem intent on having a black or female democrat for president yet, when it comes time for election I don't trust that they will vote that way.