I just realized that here is a good place for me to catalog all the things I did on my travels. I have pictures, brochures, pamphlets, books and more to share. It is so interesting to me that despite all the stuff I brought home I find it difficult to share it. I hope one day to feel able to. For now, I keep all the items in a box and I'm happy to share it with those who ask.
When you are so deeply changed by an experience, as I have been, pictures and pamphlets just don't mean as much or mean so much that you don't want to look at them. I hope that by sharing my experience with you, you will come to have some sense of how insignificant and yet profound all the images are.
In truth, these images do not express the actual words and feelings that were arising within me when the picture was taken. The picture is just a picture but the significance to me and my life is missing. That's what this blog is for. I hope that my thousand words are creating an image in your mind that expresses what I have been feeling. I hope it helps you understand my story so you'll want to know more.
Wednesday, 12 May 2010
Sailing...Into Troubled Waters
Finishing my work abroad was in itself very educational in a spiritual kind of way. It was not simply that I was quiting to go to another job, which most of us do, I was not going to any job at all. I was going to travel and travel and travel. The idea of getting a job was far on the horizon. It was so far away as a concern that for once in my life I felt true mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual relief. I could take a big sigh and let it all out. There was no tension, only contentment.
I also felt content in the realization that when I got back home that I'd look and easily find work and start the next chapter of my life. My future plans were to get more on the job experience in Hospitality and Restaurant Management and work more diligently on my Business Plan for a new food business based on the Anti-Inflammation Diet. I was going to call the idea Sustenance.
Life in Edinburgh was slowly coming to a close and I could enjoy the entire process. I was excited to travel but really enjoyed working until then. I'd never felt that before! I see now the benefit of knowing when you are going to work and when the work will end. I think maybe that's why vacations don't work, because the work/job never actually ended you just took a longer break from it then the weekend.
The last month was not as I had hoped. Instead of being smooth sailing, the closing up of my life in Edinburgh took on an edge of anxiety. I had given notice to my flat mates that I would be vacating my room on October 1, 2008. I told my work that I would would be leaving on the 28th of September, at the end of the pay period, so I could finish all my packing up. All seemed fine until I got a really bad sinus infection in the first week of September. I had a fever and muscle aches, goop coming out of my nose, and a really sore throat. This meant that I could not work due to being contagious so I could not pay my rent or have money to travel. It also made my last month at Harvey-Nichols more stressful because my employers were wondering if I was really sick or trying to enjoy the summer weather and local festivities. I also had to keep packing and deal with the ridiculous inconvenience and expense of mailing my stuff home via the Post Office.
While I'm fighting to keep my last month in Scotland light and easy as much as possible, I came to understand that my travel companions back home were not having it light and easy at all. By the time our travel date approached none of us were in a state of ease. This tension would unfortunately be with us the entire trip. This tension would lead me to alter or cancel plans I made for myself. I oonvinced myself that I needed to do this to keep the peace and our group together. As it was I spent much of my time traveling alone. We would arrive in a city, get settled and we go in our own directions. In hindsight this was the best thing for us all. The reason I mention this is because of how these expereiences influenced what happened to me when I got home weeks later. I'll talk about that in my next chapter.
Thanks for reading.
I also felt content in the realization that when I got back home that I'd look and easily find work and start the next chapter of my life. My future plans were to get more on the job experience in Hospitality and Restaurant Management and work more diligently on my Business Plan for a new food business based on the Anti-Inflammation Diet. I was going to call the idea Sustenance.
Life in Edinburgh was slowly coming to a close and I could enjoy the entire process. I was excited to travel but really enjoyed working until then. I'd never felt that before! I see now the benefit of knowing when you are going to work and when the work will end. I think maybe that's why vacations don't work, because the work/job never actually ended you just took a longer break from it then the weekend.
The last month was not as I had hoped. Instead of being smooth sailing, the closing up of my life in Edinburgh took on an edge of anxiety. I had given notice to my flat mates that I would be vacating my room on October 1, 2008. I told my work that I would would be leaving on the 28th of September, at the end of the pay period, so I could finish all my packing up. All seemed fine until I got a really bad sinus infection in the first week of September. I had a fever and muscle aches, goop coming out of my nose, and a really sore throat. This meant that I could not work due to being contagious so I could not pay my rent or have money to travel. It also made my last month at Harvey-Nichols more stressful because my employers were wondering if I was really sick or trying to enjoy the summer weather and local festivities. I also had to keep packing and deal with the ridiculous inconvenience and expense of mailing my stuff home via the Post Office.
While I'm fighting to keep my last month in Scotland light and easy as much as possible, I came to understand that my travel companions back home were not having it light and easy at all. By the time our travel date approached none of us were in a state of ease. This tension would unfortunately be with us the entire trip. This tension would lead me to alter or cancel plans I made for myself. I oonvinced myself that I needed to do this to keep the peace and our group together. As it was I spent much of my time traveling alone. We would arrive in a city, get settled and we go in our own directions. In hindsight this was the best thing for us all. The reason I mention this is because of how these expereiences influenced what happened to me when I got home weeks later. I'll talk about that in my next chapter.
Thanks for reading.
Thursday, 6 May 2010
Ding Dong the Witch is Dead
Baroness Adina Scrope is dead. I killed her. Think of the shower scene from Psycho, that's what I did to her.
Not only is Baroness Adina Scrope dead, so is Lady Margaret Howard, 9th Baroness Scrope of Bolton. She's actually been dead and buried since 1592.
These were the realizations I had way back in Edinburgh in 2008 but was too upset to blog about it. At the moment I visualized killing Baroness Adina Scrope I also thought about the Wicked Witch from the Wizard of Oz. I thought that my whole life, trying to become Baroness Adina Scrope had turned me into the Wicked Witch. I had worked so hard to become someone else that I forgot who I was. In that moment of realization, my whole life fell apart.
All the things I had struggled through to create my Period Bed and Breakfast suddenly didn't matter since Baroness Adina Scrope was now dead. What mattered most was finding out who I really am.
Hold on. Let's go back a little further. How did all of this happen? Well, if you've read my previous blog, you may see the line that triggered my emotional break. It was the one where I say that Tom Orde-Powlett would never pay me a cent for anything I ever did on behalf of his family and their fledgling business. I took his statements to me to mean that I was basically a foreigner and a commoner and unworthy of recognition or recompense. At one point prior to all of this, he and I had spoken by phone. It was when I was considering coming back down to Bolton Castle for the Armada Faire. I told him that I would be coming as Lady Margaret Howard, 9th Baroness Scrope of Bolton and felt that I should be given special recognition over the jugglers, and similar reenactors. He mentioned that all of the other performers enjoy coming to the faire and teaching kids and that they never get paid. When he said this I immediately felt that he was comparing me to an SCA performer. These are people who get together on weekends and pretend they are back in time except that they do not behave according to the socio-cultural mores of the day, they make up their own reality. Historical reenactors behave according to what we know historically actually happened. Not only this upset me but, also the fact that these people are all volunteers who like to mentor kids and I am a professional reenactor who is looking to go into business.
Because Tom did not seem to appreciate the differences in mine and the volunteers efforts I gave up my willingness to be used, and I feel, abused. It was during a moment of dwelling on these thoughts and the actual challenges of recreating Bolton Castle in the U.S., that it dawned on me that trying to start this B&B was so enourmous that my health could be affected. I thought about how I had planned to eat separately from the guests since I was now on an Anti-Inflammation diet. It hit me then that I had been in denial about my true self and I turned inward and "killed Baroness Adina Scrope."
Once I accepted that she was gone I had to check in with myself. I began at the beginning asking myself my name, age, my parents', sibling's and cats names. I sighed when I realized how much of my true Self I had forgotten or put aside. Knowing how deep the loss of my dreams and myself was, I stuffed my anger and sadness, telling myself that I would deal with the implications when I got back to the states in about a month. That was how I finished out my work abroad. The next challenge to my sense of Self came when I went traveling with my brother and his friend Richard. For that part of the story, check in for my next blog. Thanks for reading.
Not only is Baroness Adina Scrope dead, so is Lady Margaret Howard, 9th Baroness Scrope of Bolton. She's actually been dead and buried since 1592.
These were the realizations I had way back in Edinburgh in 2008 but was too upset to blog about it. At the moment I visualized killing Baroness Adina Scrope I also thought about the Wicked Witch from the Wizard of Oz. I thought that my whole life, trying to become Baroness Adina Scrope had turned me into the Wicked Witch. I had worked so hard to become someone else that I forgot who I was. In that moment of realization, my whole life fell apart.
All the things I had struggled through to create my Period Bed and Breakfast suddenly didn't matter since Baroness Adina Scrope was now dead. What mattered most was finding out who I really am.
Hold on. Let's go back a little further. How did all of this happen? Well, if you've read my previous blog, you may see the line that triggered my emotional break. It was the one where I say that Tom Orde-Powlett would never pay me a cent for anything I ever did on behalf of his family and their fledgling business. I took his statements to me to mean that I was basically a foreigner and a commoner and unworthy of recognition or recompense. At one point prior to all of this, he and I had spoken by phone. It was when I was considering coming back down to Bolton Castle for the Armada Faire. I told him that I would be coming as Lady Margaret Howard, 9th Baroness Scrope of Bolton and felt that I should be given special recognition over the jugglers, and similar reenactors. He mentioned that all of the other performers enjoy coming to the faire and teaching kids and that they never get paid. When he said this I immediately felt that he was comparing me to an SCA performer. These are people who get together on weekends and pretend they are back in time except that they do not behave according to the socio-cultural mores of the day, they make up their own reality. Historical reenactors behave according to what we know historically actually happened. Not only this upset me but, also the fact that these people are all volunteers who like to mentor kids and I am a professional reenactor who is looking to go into business.
Because Tom did not seem to appreciate the differences in mine and the volunteers efforts I gave up my willingness to be used, and I feel, abused. It was during a moment of dwelling on these thoughts and the actual challenges of recreating Bolton Castle in the U.S., that it dawned on me that trying to start this B&B was so enourmous that my health could be affected. I thought about how I had planned to eat separately from the guests since I was now on an Anti-Inflammation diet. It hit me then that I had been in denial about my true self and I turned inward and "killed Baroness Adina Scrope."
Once I accepted that she was gone I had to check in with myself. I began at the beginning asking myself my name, age, my parents', sibling's and cats names. I sighed when I realized how much of my true Self I had forgotten or put aside. Knowing how deep the loss of my dreams and myself was, I stuffed my anger and sadness, telling myself that I would deal with the implications when I got back to the states in about a month. That was how I finished out my work abroad. The next challenge to my sense of Self came when I went traveling with my brother and his friend Richard. For that part of the story, check in for my next blog. Thanks for reading.
Monday, 8 September 2008
Down, But Not Out
It's official. I have a sinus infection. It's bad enough that I have to stay home from work due to the fact that I am contageous. Granted, I feel miserable anyway, so it's nice to sleep in. I cannot be out of commission for long as I still have the rest of this month to work and I have to get ready to be on the move again. That's right folks, I am done here in three weeks! I have given notice to my flat mates and my job that my last day will be September 30th. I have also booked travel plans for London and a plane flight to Paris. I plan to meet up with Ian and Richard on October 5th. All that is left for me to do is book my train from Edinburgh to London, pack and ship my non-essentials home, and pack my suitcase for traveling.
I looked online and made some phone calls to find out what it will cost me to ship my stuff home. I wish that BUNAC was more helpful. They reffered me to a local shipping company who quoted me a cost of £313 plus insurance. I tried FedEx and got an initial quote of £227.04 but they can't advise me of how to pack my things to make sure it all gets past customs. Luckily the FedEx agent had the number to UK customs who stated that I can ship anything I want. He then referred me to customs at the US Embassy in London. They were finally able to advise me about a Special Form 3299 that I need to include and outside each box to declare what I am shipping and for what purposes. He also recommended that I ship through the local postal office for much less than FedEx and the like. So things seem to be coming together. Only downside is that because I live in Portland, I can't ship booze home. I am going to have one heck of a Bon Voyage party I guess.
Looking back the only frustration in all of this is the realization that after all my efforts over the last 6 months I will end up completely broke financially. I had $12,000 in savings at the start of this adventure and am down to $3000 which will barely cover my trip to Europe. I never made any decent living here in the UK and thus have had to supplement my income the whole time from my savings. As of right now I have £341 in my UK bank account to pay to ship my stuff home, for my train ticket to London, and if I am lucky I will have a bit left over to feed myself.
I have to get well so I can go back to work. I need the money from a good two to three weeks worth of work to cover my expenses until I get to Paris. Please think healing thoughts for me everyone.
I looked online and made some phone calls to find out what it will cost me to ship my stuff home. I wish that BUNAC was more helpful. They reffered me to a local shipping company who quoted me a cost of £313 plus insurance. I tried FedEx and got an initial quote of £227.04 but they can't advise me of how to pack my things to make sure it all gets past customs. Luckily the FedEx agent had the number to UK customs who stated that I can ship anything I want. He then referred me to customs at the US Embassy in London. They were finally able to advise me about a Special Form 3299 that I need to include and outside each box to declare what I am shipping and for what purposes. He also recommended that I ship through the local postal office for much less than FedEx and the like. So things seem to be coming together. Only downside is that because I live in Portland, I can't ship booze home. I am going to have one heck of a Bon Voyage party I guess.
Looking back the only frustration in all of this is the realization that after all my efforts over the last 6 months I will end up completely broke financially. I had $12,000 in savings at the start of this adventure and am down to $3000 which will barely cover my trip to Europe. I never made any decent living here in the UK and thus have had to supplement my income the whole time from my savings. As of right now I have £341 in my UK bank account to pay to ship my stuff home, for my train ticket to London, and if I am lucky I will have a bit left over to feed myself.
I have to get well so I can go back to work. I need the money from a good two to three weeks worth of work to cover my expenses until I get to Paris. Please think healing thoughts for me everyone.
Wednesday, 27 August 2008
Two Roads Diverge in a Wood
So my plans to work on the website for Bolton Castle are on temporary hold. I sent an email to Tom clarifying the work I would be doing and, I included attachments with personal words to introduce me to readers of my work. I thanked Tom for giving me credit on the website since I was not going to be getting paid for my work, yet. He took my yet to infer that I was expecting to be paid by him at some point in the future. He wrote back that in no uncertain terms was I ever to expect any recompense for my work. It seems he completely missed or misunderstood my intentions of working with him. I want to establish a long term partnership. I hoped that my work on the website and later at the castle would bring in more business and thus I would be paid from the profits. Tom either does not ever want to pay out money to others or he did not realize that my pay would come only from future profit. Either way I obviously need to talk with him further to make sure he understands my hopes for the future. Either he comes around or he changes his mind and scraps all our plans. It has been a week since I received his email. As I have no current way of responding to it and I have been upset by his outright refusal to consider ever paying me for legitimate work, things have been left up in the air. I have also been working for the last nine days straight. I am off for the next two days and will attempt to reach him to talk things out.
In the meantime and, given the change in circumstances with Bolton Castle, I have begun to think of other parts of my life that I have either ignored or forgotten. Uppermost in my mind is the current status of singleness. Another part of my life is my health, and my other business interest which, is my Anti-Inflammatory Restaurant concept I have called Sustenance. I was thinking about what my life might look like with both of these factors added in. I had a mini video/film in my mind. I saw myself running my new restaurant, my husband is there, and he is supportive and helpful. My employees and my customers know him and all greet him upon arrival. I look his way and see that he is holding our child. I go over and kiss them both. We talk briefly about our plans for the evening. I am going to finish working in the next few minutes and then we will sit down at a table in the restaurant for dinner together and then go home. When I pictured these images, I was suddenly calm, relaxed, and I realized that my plans for Bolton Castle did not hold as much importance. I decided that I want to give 80-90% of my energy to my health, Sustenance, and a family of my own. I will give the rest to Castle Bolton, my B&B ideas, and my historical reenactments. I also see my travels from a slightly new perspective.
I am excited to say that the plans that Richard and I have been working on are almost finalized. I am even more ecstatic to share that Ian will be joining us for the entire trip. I received an email from Richard today giving details of hotels and a rental car. I called Ian to talk about it and it seems that he is on board with all the plans. So here is the last rough draft of our itinerary:
Paris Oct4-8th Fly to Venice on 9th.
Venice Oct 9-11th, Drive to Florence on 12th.
Florence Oct 12-13th, Drive to Siena on Oct 14th.
Siena October 14th, Drive into Tuscan wine country Oct 15th.
Montepulciano, Piensa, and Montalcino Oct 15th. Drive south to Rome either by way of Grosetto and Civitavecchia or via Orvieto on Oct 16th.
Arrive Rome late Oct 16 or early Oct 17.
See Ostia Antiqua ruins and tour Rome, Oct 17 - 19. Fly home from Rome Oct 20.
I am so overwhelmed by the whole idea of traveling through part of Europe that I still don't believe that it is going to happen. When I think about it as reality I discover that I have very little time left before October arrives. I have so many plans to make. Remember my work visa expires October 9 and my last day at Harvey Nichols will probably be September 30. I still have plans to travel back to London for three days to see the insides of Westminster Abbey, St. Pauls Cathedral, The Tower of London, Windsor Castle, and many more sites. Then I have to arrange to fly or Chunnel to Paris to meet up with Ian and Richard on October 4th. I don't believe this is happening. Somebody pinch me, I must be still dreaming.
By the way, could people please send me some hugs. I am so starved for physical affection. No wonder I miss my cats; I miss being able to touch another living being in a loving way.
I'm tired now and am going to go relax for a bit before going to bed. I am going to sleep in since I don't have to work tomorrow. Later.
In the meantime and, given the change in circumstances with Bolton Castle, I have begun to think of other parts of my life that I have either ignored or forgotten. Uppermost in my mind is the current status of singleness. Another part of my life is my health, and my other business interest which, is my Anti-Inflammatory Restaurant concept I have called Sustenance. I was thinking about what my life might look like with both of these factors added in. I had a mini video/film in my mind. I saw myself running my new restaurant, my husband is there, and he is supportive and helpful. My employees and my customers know him and all greet him upon arrival. I look his way and see that he is holding our child. I go over and kiss them both. We talk briefly about our plans for the evening. I am going to finish working in the next few minutes and then we will sit down at a table in the restaurant for dinner together and then go home. When I pictured these images, I was suddenly calm, relaxed, and I realized that my plans for Bolton Castle did not hold as much importance. I decided that I want to give 80-90% of my energy to my health, Sustenance, and a family of my own. I will give the rest to Castle Bolton, my B&B ideas, and my historical reenactments. I also see my travels from a slightly new perspective.
I am excited to say that the plans that Richard and I have been working on are almost finalized. I am even more ecstatic to share that Ian will be joining us for the entire trip. I received an email from Richard today giving details of hotels and a rental car. I called Ian to talk about it and it seems that he is on board with all the plans. So here is the last rough draft of our itinerary:
Paris Oct4-8th Fly to Venice on 9th.
Venice Oct 9-11th, Drive to Florence on 12th.
Florence Oct 12-13th, Drive to Siena on Oct 14th.
Siena October 14th, Drive into Tuscan wine country Oct 15th.
Montepulciano, Piensa, and Montalcino Oct 15th. Drive south to Rome either by way of Grosetto and Civitavecchia or via Orvieto on Oct 16th.
Arrive Rome late Oct 16 or early Oct 17.
See Ostia Antiqua ruins and tour Rome, Oct 17 - 19. Fly home from Rome Oct 20.
I am so overwhelmed by the whole idea of traveling through part of Europe that I still don't believe that it is going to happen. When I think about it as reality I discover that I have very little time left before October arrives. I have so many plans to make. Remember my work visa expires October 9 and my last day at Harvey Nichols will probably be September 30. I still have plans to travel back to London for three days to see the insides of Westminster Abbey, St. Pauls Cathedral, The Tower of London, Windsor Castle, and many more sites. Then I have to arrange to fly or Chunnel to Paris to meet up with Ian and Richard on October 4th. I don't believe this is happening. Somebody pinch me, I must be still dreaming.
By the way, could people please send me some hugs. I am so starved for physical affection. No wonder I miss my cats; I miss being able to touch another living being in a loving way.
I'm tired now and am going to go relax for a bit before going to bed. I am going to sleep in since I don't have to work tomorrow. Later.
Monday, 18 August 2008
This is It
I guess this is it folks. I am about to take off into another world. I talked to Tom again this past Sunday, the 17th, about what help I can offer to move Bolton Castle closer to becoming the highlight of the Dales. He wants me to start work on the website whenever I have the time. I told him I would start immediately. He said he would need to just make a phone call to the website administrator to let him know who am I, what I will be doing, and to please post my work to the appropriate part of the site. We have a follow up telephone call scheduled for Tuesday at 10am to continue the process. Once off the phone with him I jumped on the computer and created two brief statements which I hope Tom will get posted. The first is an introduction of me as a new member of the staff, the other is my own personal note of greeting and thanks. Once those are posted I will feel that even though I am not getting paid to work on the website, at least I will get the credit. I am going to head out to the nearest internet cafe to email the documents to Tom so he'll have them for our 'conference call' tomorrow. hehe
Tom was disappointed that I was unable to come down for the Armada Faire at the Castle this weekend. I asked him to describe it to me. He said that there was a group of 10 re-enactors. The premise of the faire was that word had arrived that Spain was sending an Armada to attack England and visitors had to be prepared. Those who participated would be sent around the castle to learn key skills needed for a fighter of the day. Pike drill, sword fighting, caligraphy, herbs, and cooking classes were provided in key areas of the castle. Most, if not all, the participants were children. Each child would rotate through 4 classes.
It sounded like a good event. The re-enactors will be returning to the castle in two weeks for the medieval faire. I would love to attend that one as well, but I don't have enough funds. Also that weekend is the last weekend of the month and also the last weekend of the Edinburgh Festival. Harvey Nichols Forth Floor Restaurant is throwing a special event that last night to cooincide with the Military Tatoo's final fireworks gala. I will have to work that event. Even if I had that day off, it will be a Sunday and transport down to Yorkshire is poor. I might not even have been paid yet. We get our paychecks automatically deposited on the last day of the month. If it falls on a weekend they try to pay us on the Friday before but it's not a guarantee. It would cost me at least £200 to make the journey. Oh yeah, I also have to pay the rent on the 30th.
Living in the same country as Bolton Castle has not made it easier to go and visit it. When I was talking to Tom yesterday it hit me that I could have been living and working at Bolton Castle the whole time I have been in the UK if I had called the castle and asked if they were hiring. It turns out they were hiring back in April. At the time I was planning to come over it never occurred to me that I could work there. I was so focused on getting work at a straightforward hotel or restaurant that it never even entered my mind that Bolton Castle's tea shop counts as a hospitality business. Ok so it's not a large and booming business but it is a place that serves food and beverages. I am so angry with myself that I doubted. I just realized that I could have looked for work in nearby Leyburn instead of Edinburgh. It's really too late now as the season is going to be winding down in two weeks. What opportunities, lessons, experiences did I miss out on because I was too focused on big businesses. Bolton Castle was the prize and I didn't even reach out to grab it.
My mind just wandered and I began to consider, once again, the possibility of me giving notice at Harvey Nichols and to my flat-mates and relocating to Leyburn or nearby so I can visit the castle. If I waited till I got paid for the month I might be able to afford it but, could I find work and a new place to live so quickly. Also, if I take work near to the castle, when would I go to see the castle. I would be so busy working I wouldn't have time. I also realize that I said previously that my interest in Bolton Castle is not short term or once-in-a-lifetime. I guess I just want a little more time to go and just be there. I didn't get the chance to relax and feel much of anything on my first visit as it was all too overwhelming. I need and want to go back and be left alone at the castle, when it's quiet, so I can listen for the voices of the real Baron and Baroness Scrope, their children, Mary, Thomas, and Henry and, Mary, Queen of Scotland.
I don't know if any of this really matters. I read the latest news headlines and saw that the president of Pakistan is resigning. When he steps down, our U.S. troops will be left even more vulnerable. And when we elect our new president, assuming it's Obama, our troops will withdraw under fire. I can see our enemies chasing the troops out of the middle east and actually following them home to U.S. soil. We could be at war on U.S. soil in the next six months. Clearly this is a simplified and probably exagerated perspective. I need to come home to find out what is really going on. It's interesting, but most of the Europeans I have met do not take a personal interest in the war in the Middle East. They are more concerned about the upcoming elections. They do not seem to have an opinion about whether or not the U.S. should be fighting this war. Their only question is what will happen with the war effort when we elect our new president. They don't think the U.S. should not have gotten into the war but, they don't think that as European's, that they have any responsibility for it's outcome. They don't seem to think they have any reason to be involved. It is all America's problem and President Bush's fault.
None of that may matter either as the world's environments radically shift. ha
It's hard to be me sometimes. I have this habit of seeing many things at once. Trying to prioritize and just get through each day can be tough. I appreciate everyone's patience and support as I grow up day-by-day.
Tom was disappointed that I was unable to come down for the Armada Faire at the Castle this weekend. I asked him to describe it to me. He said that there was a group of 10 re-enactors. The premise of the faire was that word had arrived that Spain was sending an Armada to attack England and visitors had to be prepared. Those who participated would be sent around the castle to learn key skills needed for a fighter of the day. Pike drill, sword fighting, caligraphy, herbs, and cooking classes were provided in key areas of the castle. Most, if not all, the participants were children. Each child would rotate through 4 classes.
It sounded like a good event. The re-enactors will be returning to the castle in two weeks for the medieval faire. I would love to attend that one as well, but I don't have enough funds. Also that weekend is the last weekend of the month and also the last weekend of the Edinburgh Festival. Harvey Nichols Forth Floor Restaurant is throwing a special event that last night to cooincide with the Military Tatoo's final fireworks gala. I will have to work that event. Even if I had that day off, it will be a Sunday and transport down to Yorkshire is poor. I might not even have been paid yet. We get our paychecks automatically deposited on the last day of the month. If it falls on a weekend they try to pay us on the Friday before but it's not a guarantee. It would cost me at least £200 to make the journey. Oh yeah, I also have to pay the rent on the 30th.
Living in the same country as Bolton Castle has not made it easier to go and visit it. When I was talking to Tom yesterday it hit me that I could have been living and working at Bolton Castle the whole time I have been in the UK if I had called the castle and asked if they were hiring. It turns out they were hiring back in April. At the time I was planning to come over it never occurred to me that I could work there. I was so focused on getting work at a straightforward hotel or restaurant that it never even entered my mind that Bolton Castle's tea shop counts as a hospitality business. Ok so it's not a large and booming business but it is a place that serves food and beverages. I am so angry with myself that I doubted. I just realized that I could have looked for work in nearby Leyburn instead of Edinburgh. It's really too late now as the season is going to be winding down in two weeks. What opportunities, lessons, experiences did I miss out on because I was too focused on big businesses. Bolton Castle was the prize and I didn't even reach out to grab it.
My mind just wandered and I began to consider, once again, the possibility of me giving notice at Harvey Nichols and to my flat-mates and relocating to Leyburn or nearby so I can visit the castle. If I waited till I got paid for the month I might be able to afford it but, could I find work and a new place to live so quickly. Also, if I take work near to the castle, when would I go to see the castle. I would be so busy working I wouldn't have time. I also realize that I said previously that my interest in Bolton Castle is not short term or once-in-a-lifetime. I guess I just want a little more time to go and just be there. I didn't get the chance to relax and feel much of anything on my first visit as it was all too overwhelming. I need and want to go back and be left alone at the castle, when it's quiet, so I can listen for the voices of the real Baron and Baroness Scrope, their children, Mary, Thomas, and Henry and, Mary, Queen of Scotland.
I don't know if any of this really matters. I read the latest news headlines and saw that the president of Pakistan is resigning. When he steps down, our U.S. troops will be left even more vulnerable. And when we elect our new president, assuming it's Obama, our troops will withdraw under fire. I can see our enemies chasing the troops out of the middle east and actually following them home to U.S. soil. We could be at war on U.S. soil in the next six months. Clearly this is a simplified and probably exagerated perspective. I need to come home to find out what is really going on. It's interesting, but most of the Europeans I have met do not take a personal interest in the war in the Middle East. They are more concerned about the upcoming elections. They do not seem to have an opinion about whether or not the U.S. should be fighting this war. Their only question is what will happen with the war effort when we elect our new president. They don't think the U.S. should not have gotten into the war but, they don't think that as European's, that they have any responsibility for it's outcome. They don't seem to think they have any reason to be involved. It is all America's problem and President Bush's fault.
None of that may matter either as the world's environments radically shift. ha
It's hard to be me sometimes. I have this habit of seeing many things at once. Trying to prioritize and just get through each day can be tough. I appreciate everyone's patience and support as I grow up day-by-day.
Thursday, 14 August 2008
So I am a little closer to coming to terms with my experiences at Castle Bolton. However, I am not much happier about what transpired. Deep down I am still elated about having finally set foot in the home of the woman whose life I have studied and tried to represent for the last ten years. If I close my eyes right now and imagine myself back there my eyes begin to well up with tears. I know so much about Lady Margaret Howard's life. It was such a personal thing for me to play her at Renn Faire. Still, to be standing in the same places she stood is hard to describe.
In a way I feel a sense of justification. All the years I played her and was teased or not taken seriously still sting me but I feel even more proud now to have represented her as I did. I want very much to go back to faire participation as Lady Scrope and as Adina Rubin so that I can arrive as my new self and reclaim my position as the premier player at court. I know that 99% of the other players have not studied their history as well as I have and just as many have never been out of the States. It would be a Zen/Jedi/Elven event for me to arrive in a new state of beauty, calm, peace, and understanding. I don't need to stick my nose in the air, snub people, gloat about my experiences, or brag. I just look forward to being able to share with my Renn Faire friends how full my life has been.
It is still challenging for me to be living abroad. I spent so much money on my first trip to Castle Bolton that it is unlikely that I'll be able to go back this weekend for the Armada Festival. I am disappointed that it costs so much and that it is so hard just to get there. Because I would be traveling late Saturday or early Sunday, there is no bus service inland. I could rent (hire) a car but that would cost me 40 pounds plus gas (petrol) per day. No way do I have that kind of money right now. I am trying to remain calm and accept that my interest in Castle Bolton is not short term. I will get paid again at the end of the month and I can arrange to go down after that.
Also, Tom has already stated that my interests can best be shown on the castle's website. I do not need to leave Edinburgh to work on the website. At least I don't think I do. Tom and I still have to formalize this arrangement. In the meantime I am even frustrated about not being paid for my efforts and am considering not working on the website until I can be paid or better compensated than just by gaining pleasure from the work itself. For me it is not only the history that excites me but the interest others take in it once they learn about it. Since many of the visitors to the castle don't even look at the website it seems somewhat unlikely any of them will gain an appreciation of the castle's history and significance unless I am at the castle sharing it with them face-to-face. I hope that I am able to express this well enough to Tom that he takes me on as paid staff. And if that happens then hopefully I will be able to relocate without much difficulty. Probably a fat-chance-in-hell of that happening, but I can wish can't I.
While all of this is going on, in another part of my life I am desperately missing my cats. I have had dreams of going to Bakersfield, sneaking into the apartment where they live, finding Jasmine sleeping and waking her up sweetly by whispering her name in her ear. I dream that she squintingly stretches herself awake, slowly opens her eyes to look at me and once she recognizes me she leans in to sniff my nose and rub her head against my chin.
I used to talk to her and Cara-Mel by phone on a regular basis. When I left for England I broke off contact with my ex who is taking care of them and have not been in contact since. It was hard to leave them in Bakersfield when I moved to Portland to go back to school, and it was even harder to cut off all contact. They are the only beings in this world who love me like a mom. I consider Jasmine to be my 'daughter' as I raised her from only 2 days old. She is safe with my ex, who she knows as her daddy, but she is my true responsibility. I only hope that when I see my cats again they recognize me.
On a happier note, I realize that I forgot to mention that I finally went to the Edinburgh Military Tatoo! When I first came to Edinburgh everyone asked if my reason for coming was for the tatoo. Well as you know know I came for much more then that but, I could not leave the country without having seen the spectacle for myself. When I got oriented to the city back in late May I found the ticket office and found out that most tickets were already sold out. I was advised to check back daily for possible returned tickets. I got so busy looking for work that I did not make it back for almost a month-and-a-half. As luck would have it they had a seat available for Saturday, August 9. Located in the middle of the bleachers in Section C, North Stand, 2nd row from the top, Seat 12 in the middle, I would have the best view. Not only that but the seat was for the best performance. On Saturday nights, the final show only, they set off a full 15 minutes of extra fireworks. The whole event cost me only £28.50 which came out of my UK bank account so I didn't have to pay double with US dollars! It was amazing to just realize that I was actually there. It wasn't as exciting actually being there as the sky opened up and drowned us all like rats. By the time I got home I was soaked through to my skin. When I woke up the next morning my skin still felt sticky. But it was a great night of precision pipes, drums, and dancing. I will be picking up a DVD of the event for everyone back home to watch.
On a side note, I hadn't decided if I would boycott the Olympics this year because of all the violence but I find myself catching it when I get home from work. It is still as engaging as previous years. I can't seem to look away.
I am also trying to keep up on the presidential campaign. I am very curious to see who Obama picks as his running mate. I hope it is Hillary Clinton but I doubt that either will be elected if they run on the same ticket. I feel like Americans are chickens. They seem intent on having a black or female democrat for president yet, when it comes time for election I don't trust that they will vote that way.
In a way I feel a sense of justification. All the years I played her and was teased or not taken seriously still sting me but I feel even more proud now to have represented her as I did. I want very much to go back to faire participation as Lady Scrope and as Adina Rubin so that I can arrive as my new self and reclaim my position as the premier player at court. I know that 99% of the other players have not studied their history as well as I have and just as many have never been out of the States. It would be a Zen/Jedi/Elven event for me to arrive in a new state of beauty, calm, peace, and understanding. I don't need to stick my nose in the air, snub people, gloat about my experiences, or brag. I just look forward to being able to share with my Renn Faire friends how full my life has been.
It is still challenging for me to be living abroad. I spent so much money on my first trip to Castle Bolton that it is unlikely that I'll be able to go back this weekend for the Armada Festival. I am disappointed that it costs so much and that it is so hard just to get there. Because I would be traveling late Saturday or early Sunday, there is no bus service inland. I could rent (hire) a car but that would cost me 40 pounds plus gas (petrol) per day. No way do I have that kind of money right now. I am trying to remain calm and accept that my interest in Castle Bolton is not short term. I will get paid again at the end of the month and I can arrange to go down after that.
Also, Tom has already stated that my interests can best be shown on the castle's website. I do not need to leave Edinburgh to work on the website. At least I don't think I do. Tom and I still have to formalize this arrangement. In the meantime I am even frustrated about not being paid for my efforts and am considering not working on the website until I can be paid or better compensated than just by gaining pleasure from the work itself. For me it is not only the history that excites me but the interest others take in it once they learn about it. Since many of the visitors to the castle don't even look at the website it seems somewhat unlikely any of them will gain an appreciation of the castle's history and significance unless I am at the castle sharing it with them face-to-face. I hope that I am able to express this well enough to Tom that he takes me on as paid staff. And if that happens then hopefully I will be able to relocate without much difficulty. Probably a fat-chance-in-hell of that happening, but I can wish can't I.
While all of this is going on, in another part of my life I am desperately missing my cats. I have had dreams of going to Bakersfield, sneaking into the apartment where they live, finding Jasmine sleeping and waking her up sweetly by whispering her name in her ear. I dream that she squintingly stretches herself awake, slowly opens her eyes to look at me and once she recognizes me she leans in to sniff my nose and rub her head against my chin.
I used to talk to her and Cara-Mel by phone on a regular basis. When I left for England I broke off contact with my ex who is taking care of them and have not been in contact since. It was hard to leave them in Bakersfield when I moved to Portland to go back to school, and it was even harder to cut off all contact. They are the only beings in this world who love me like a mom. I consider Jasmine to be my 'daughter' as I raised her from only 2 days old. She is safe with my ex, who she knows as her daddy, but she is my true responsibility. I only hope that when I see my cats again they recognize me.
On a happier note, I realize that I forgot to mention that I finally went to the Edinburgh Military Tatoo! When I first came to Edinburgh everyone asked if my reason for coming was for the tatoo. Well as you know know I came for much more then that but, I could not leave the country without having seen the spectacle for myself. When I got oriented to the city back in late May I found the ticket office and found out that most tickets were already sold out. I was advised to check back daily for possible returned tickets. I got so busy looking for work that I did not make it back for almost a month-and-a-half. As luck would have it they had a seat available for Saturday, August 9. Located in the middle of the bleachers in Section C, North Stand, 2nd row from the top, Seat 12 in the middle, I would have the best view. Not only that but the seat was for the best performance. On Saturday nights, the final show only, they set off a full 15 minutes of extra fireworks. The whole event cost me only £28.50 which came out of my UK bank account so I didn't have to pay double with US dollars! It was amazing to just realize that I was actually there. It wasn't as exciting actually being there as the sky opened up and drowned us all like rats. By the time I got home I was soaked through to my skin. When I woke up the next morning my skin still felt sticky. But it was a great night of precision pipes, drums, and dancing. I will be picking up a DVD of the event for everyone back home to watch.
On a side note, I hadn't decided if I would boycott the Olympics this year because of all the violence but I find myself catching it when I get home from work. It is still as engaging as previous years. I can't seem to look away.
I am also trying to keep up on the presidential campaign. I am very curious to see who Obama picks as his running mate. I hope it is Hillary Clinton but I doubt that either will be elected if they run on the same ticket. I feel like Americans are chickens. They seem intent on having a black or female democrat for president yet, when it comes time for election I don't trust that they will vote that way.
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